I want to buy a book I read (and fell in love with) this summer and mail it to my ex-boyfriene with a note inside saying I will always love him. I don’t plan on this winning him over and making him want to date me or whatever idk I just really liked the book and I think he’d appreciate reading it, too. I want to include the note because I feel strange telling him those things irl or via text message. The feelings I have for him are still really intense so seeing someone who reminds me of him still hurts. It happened earlier tonight. Whatever. I am so sad right now.
i will never be in love anymore lol i mean the kind of love i felt when i was completely consumed by another person. their presence, their scent, their smile, their stare.
i remember the feeling.
this is why i know i will never feel it again. i’ve loved enough for my lifetime. i’m convinced any relationships I may have for the rest of my life will be purely friendship and fun stuff like a friend i exclusively fuck. I still imagine myself feeling at least that for someone(s) in the future. liking someone to the point where you just want to hang out with them frequently but i cannot imagine loving another person the way i loved jacob. i’ve run out of that kind of love to give. whatever, i’m just really sad right now.
I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend Jacob during my nap this evening. It was weird and elaborate dream but whatever. In this dream, he came into the room where I was with some girl and he came up to me, smiled, and held my hand. This is not something he would do irl, especially in front of another person. He has never held my hand other than than at my request post-sex. Anyway, in this dream, he looked happy to see me. It was nice to see him again, even if it was a dream. At least he’s nice to me in my dreams.
I’m in love with a man who does not love me.
He only shows affection behind closed doors or in restaurants when no one we know is there.
He shoots me his coy smile I cannot resist from across the table
Like he knows the punch line to the joke I have been paitiently waiting to hear for five years
Never beyond a kiss in the country dark while we sit and watch the stars on the bed of my truck
and talk about our greatest fears and aspirations
which dont include each other
and then he rushes to say goodbye to greet another person’s arrival as if it’s to celebrate departure
He makes every one of my insecurities dance like there is fire beneath my feet
He tells me everything he expects in a woman
And these are not unreasonable expectations
Long sleek hair, very tall, small voice, slender, pale skin, skinny legs like his own
A reminder of the contradictions look back at me in mirror daily
Long frizzy curly hair, a stature short enough to be his mother’s, loud screeching voice, fat falling over my belt, brown skin just like my mother who’s I think is so beautiful, and thighs that stretch wider than they are long
He tells me of the kind of woman he wishes to marry someday
when he is at his most vulnerable
And I have never fit this description.