My relationship with Jacob has led me to believe I will never be in love. I will never hear the words I love you. I have yet to hear the words I love you.
I will never be in a relationship in which my partner will not be ashamed of me or not keep me a secret.
I’ve always been the other woman and I hate it. I’m participating in someone’s lies and disrespect.
I’m so sorry.
But you win because I will never be in love.

Jacob is coming down soon and I am terrified. Fuck him for making me all nervous smfh I hate him. No, I don’t hate him but he makes me feel dependent even though he’s never done shit for me. Never bought me dinner (okay when i was in HS but whatever), took me out on a real date, never been there for me emotionally or even had my back. Fuck him for that.
I haven’t really done much for him but I have tried to be there for him and I forgave him for those times he really fucked me over. Like the time he ditched me with a $120+ tab or broke my windshield in anger or made me cry or broke up with me (even though we never really dated. there was nothing to break) or ditched me when i was too fucked up to drive home and i had to sleep in my truck outside of his house (he didn’t even invite me in). I’ve always forgiven him and I think he was grateful because he knew he fucked up but he can’t be the least bit nice to me when I want to do something.

At least now he doesn’t do those things. I guess because he moved away and doesn’t have the chance but idk.

Okay. This is his last chance. If we end up going back to this bullshit that we are now, I never want to see him again. I never want to talk, text, msg, etc. I have loved him for so long and all we are is friends. This hurts way too much to continue. I will say goodbye forever if he doesn’t tell me how he feels and I will do so as well if I dont like it or if I don’t get what I want. I totally have the right to do so. I’ve been completely in love with him for over 6 years. I can’t continue to do so without being loved back any longer. It hurts too much.


Most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.


Most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.

the nose scrunch> (1, 2, 3)



I’ve done a lot of awful, embarrassing, purely fucked up weird things.
But the one that tops them is watching my ex-bfs sister’s wedding video.
So, yes, I understand it’s fucking weird I even got it in my posession. No, it was not in my possession because it really wasn’t.
His mom came to my place of work and asked us to replicate the DVD of the wedding.
My coworker took the job down and I didn’t see it until I saw the name on the order form.
I didn’t recognize her name at first because it had been a while since I had thought her name.
So, I went into shock for about 5 min. My eyes teared up a bit and I had to take a few minutes to compose myself.
So whatever, I calmed down and I did my job and burned the DVD.

After I was done, I thought “how fucking weird would it be if I watched it?”
I thought it’d be pretty fucking weird and after thinking about it, I decided to watch it.
My reasoning was, “I’m gonna have to skim through it anyway to make sure it works just as I would any other job” so that’s what I did.

I didn’t really watch it all that much because it was so fucking boring. In a video that was an hour long, there was, like, 25 minutes of people dancing omfg it was fucking awful.
I just looked through the parts where my ex-bf came out and it was nice to see him in a tux lookin cute n stuff or whatever.

So, later that day his mom picked up the DVD and because my ex-bf was such a total asshole even after dating 5 years, I never met his mom so she had no clue who I was.
What the fuck was I gonna tell her, “sorry, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard me fucking your son. How are you?”
I smiled and she paid.

It’s not even that bad that I watched it but I should’ve definitely left it alone.

I kept having dreams about Jacob after that and they were nice dreams.
Dreams he was holding my hand and being affectionate, shit he never did.
Finally, in the last dream I had for while, he walked with me while holding my hand and he was smiling.
He looked happy.
I woke up in the middle of night and I woke myself up sobbing.
We will never be that happy.

I guess it serves me right for doing something fucking weird/creepy/wrong/invading.

“i quit smoking in a day and
i terrified her.
i asked her why.

she said:
because. a person that
can quit smoking in a day,
can leave behind anything
and not look back.

what she meant was,
i could leave behind

- “habits”, hafsa atique

I bring out the worst qualities in people.
The not-so-new person I’m seeing broke up with me to date his (then ex, now current) girlfriend.
We’re still seeing each other though.
I feel kinda bad about it but whatever
I’ve offically devoid of all feelings except jealousy.
We’re all just hurting each other.

I feel bad because he thinks he’s a nice guy.
I can imagine him shopping for a Valentine’s Day gift for his on-and-off again girlfriend
and wondering whether he’d be an asshole not to buy me something
Not only do I bring out the worst qualities,
it’s like my sole purpose for entering someone’s life is to make them feel like shit.

I’ve never had a Valentine’s Day date,
never gotten chocolate,
never gotten a card that wasn’t from a 50 count box over 13 yeara ago.
Valentine’s Day is not for me.


Gustav Klimt, Tannenwald I (1901)


Gustav Klimt, Tannenwald I (1901)

I need to work on my tenses, jeez

I’ve blocked out every bad memory I have of him. The earth-shattering rejection, the intentional attempts to make me jealous, how he loved to crush my self-esteem, how he enjoyed destroying my shit. I’ve seem to have forgotten it all.
The girl he will marry will be nothing like me.
She’ll be much more confident, much more beautiful, much more quiet, so much better than me.
I was never good enough enough. Either I was talking too much or talking too little.
It was never enough.

I’ve forgotten our daily fights but I will never forget the night I told him no matter what happens, he will be happy.
He will find someone who loves him and he will love her back.
He will be happy.
While I beg and cry and scream, he will be happy.
Girls like me don’t get happy endings.
Girls like me don’t get the guy.
Girls like me don’t last.

Real Time Web Analytics